Movies That Saved My Life #1The Long Walk–A Masculine Fairy Tale

Three miles per hour. 

Twenty-minute mile.

How many miles could you go?

Fifty young men from across the nation are selected for a brutal display of endurance. Keep walking until there is only one person left. To the winner, a single wish granted by the tyrant. A reward for endurance and strength of spirit, yet at a terrible cost. 

I watched The Long Walk the first Thanksgiving after I filed for divorce. My kids were with their mom for a solid week. I have noticed the last few months that I am less stable when my kids aren’t around. I tend to be a bit more raw, emotional, confrontational. On top of that, I had a series of conflicts with my family. Stress does that. Makes you lash out at the people who love you the most, even if they don’t exactly know how to show you they love you. 

So I was alone when I pulled The Long Walk up on Apple. 

I wish that I had been more emotionally prepared for that film. 

I had such an intense reaction to that film that my next few therapy sessions were about it, and I made a piece of reflective art: Boots || The Long Walk 

For me, the film became incredibly personal. 

The Long Walk is the story of every young man as he approaches self-actualization through crisis. 

While there are fifty contestants in the walk, in a deeper sense there is only one young man. 

Every contestant in the film is a representation of archetypal adolescent masculinity. 

Curly is the youth in over his head, more ambition than logic or ability. 

Harkness is the young creative, the passionate writer and artist out for the truth.

Barkovitch is the troubled youth who wants to have emotional intimacy but is so afraid of judgement and ridicule that he preemptively lashes out. To keep people at a distance is safer, so it seems. 

Olson is the young man who got married too early. He was my favorite, I’m glad he didn’t give up without a fight. 

Ray is all of us. Ray is you and me. 

So on and so forth. Each contestant is a representation of the masculine archetypes present within every young man, each one attempting to be the primary ego. But only through crisis can that primary ego be discovered.

As they walk the hundreds of miles through the countryside, and as their numbers dwindle more and more, the young men discover that brotherhood and solidarity is the only thing that can keep them walking. They can only continue because they hold each other up. 

In this endurance contest, these crises of the real world, as stress and responsibility and obligation and rules and norms press down upon the young man, the archetypes that are not as prepared fall to the wayside one by one. 

It is no coincidence that Curly, the youngest and most naive of the young men, is the first to get his ticket punched. 

As the pressure mounts, more and more of the archetypes fall until a true self is revealed. A true ego, not one dictated by the expectations of others, not dictated by norms and custom, not ashamed or embarrassed for being himself. A confident, well-rounded, and integrated personality. A personality that could not have been discovered save for the fires of crisis. 

Maybe sometimes a person really does need a gun to their head to discover who they are. 

At least, that’s how it was for me. My mother asked me when I think I first became an adult. And I told her, without hesitation, “I became an adult the day I filed for divorce.” Because I refuse to allow anyone to emotionally abuse me ever again.

As they continue on their death march, they grow in friendship and they learn valuable lessons from each other. As each of them falls, they are not merely abandoned or left behind. The survivors press on, keeping their memory alive and keeping the lessons learned intact. 

There is no judgment whatsoever for how long a contestant lasted–everyone knows that they gave it their all. 

After all the pain I have felt the last few years, I have grown to appreciate the younger parts of my self. Even though they weren’t fully prepared to walk the road, they still gave it their all. I couldn’t have gotten this far without them.

These archetypes may not be the true self, but they help the true self to emerge. 

But who is the true self? 

McVries is the last one standing. He forgoes his own wish to fulfill the wish of his best friend. While he had lectured Ray about revenge not being enough, it may seem hypocritical that he asked for the carbine. That he struck down the tyrant. 

But McVries’ actions were not out of revenge. They were an act of love. Conquering the tyrant, integrating the parts that were lost, becoming a whole person, and then moving forward without looking back at the past trauma. 

Healed, confident, strong. McVries keeps walking. 

If Ray is all of us, then McVries is all of our shadow.

What, then, is the significance of our shadow striking down the tyrant out of love for us? 

We all have tyrants in our lives. Bosses, parents, teachers, co-workers, spouses, families. Ideally, none of these would be tyrants. Everyone’s tyrant is different. 

For myself, I didn’t realize how many tyrants I had in my life. The worst tyrant I had was this vicious internal critic. This pestering voice in my brain that told me that I was a failure and would be better off dead. 

I hated that voice for so long. Yet, there was nothing I could do about it. It felt like all I could do was just lay down and let that voice berate me–hour after hour, day after day, week after week. 

I would’ve given anything for my shadow to strike down that tyrant. 

Thankfully, my shadow survived and kept me alive. 

When I first started discovering my integrated self, I discovered that he was actually a lot stronger than the inner critic. The Inner Critic, despite all of her vicious attacks, turned out couldn’t take a punch. She could dish it, but couldn’t take it. 

I have never felt more relieved than when I was finally able to live my life without this constant, nagging, petty tyrant in the back of my brain that was trying to kill me.

What would life be like if we all struck down our tyrants?

What would the world be like if we chose love and integration and healing? 

What would your life look like if you decided to always be honest about what you are feeling, thinking, and needing? 

How would the world be different if we were all McVries?

I know the road is long.

I know that sometimes it feels impossible.

Sometimes it feels like the world is pressing down on you and that no one cares. 

But please don’t give up. 

Your pain is valid and you don’t have to prove it. 

Just know that it’s not going to last forever. 

Just make it up the hill. 

Step into it brothers.

988 Lifeline - If you need emotional support, reach out to the national mental health hotline: 988.